For Professionals | Why Can Shame Be One of the Hardest Parts of Healing?
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
Professionals who support survivors of sexual abuse or sexual assault may encounter something that can be difficult to understand:
Shame.
A survivor may say:
“I feel like it was my fault.”
“I should have done something.”
“I don't want anyone to know.”
“I feel embarrassed about what happened.”
You may find yourself wondering:
Why does someone feel ashamed about something that was done to them?
Why can shame remain long after the abuse or assault has ended?
How can I respond without making things worse?
Understanding shame can help professionals such as Lawyers, Nurses, Physicians, Victim-Services Workers, Educators, and other service providers respond with greater compassion.
Shame Can Affect How Survivors See Themselves
Sexual trauma can affect more than a person's sense of safety.
It can affect how they see themselves.
A survivor may begin to question their judgment, their choices, their body, their relationships, or even their worth.
Instead of thinking:
“Something harmful happened to me.”
They may begin to think:
“Something is wrong with me.”
This is one reason shame can be so difficult to heal from.
The experience may become connected to a person's sense of identity rather than remaining something that happened to them.
Shame Can Be Reinforced by Misunderstanding
Survivors may feel ashamed about how they responded to the abuse or assault.
They may wonder why they:
did not leave;
did not fight back;
froze;
waited to disclose;
stayed in contact with the person who harmed them.
These questions can become sources of self-blame.
Professionals do not need to explain or interpret a survivor's trauma response.
What can help is avoiding judgment and assumptions about how someone “should” have responded.
A simple response might be:
“What happened was not your fault.”
or
“Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Creating a space where a survivor does not feel judged is an important form of support.
Shame Can Make Asking for Help Harder
Shame may also affect whether a survivor seeks support.
They may minimize what happened, withdraw, avoid talking about it, or feel uncomfortable accepting help. What may look like reluctance or avoidance can sometimes reflect how difficult it feels to talk about the experience.
For professionals, patience, clear communication, and respect for survivor's choices can help create a safer experience.
Your Role Is Not to Treat Shame
Professionals supporting survivors do not need to provide sexual trauma counselling.
Your role could be to listen, provide information, respect the survivor's choices, and help connect them with appropriate resources.
Specialized Sexual Trauma Counselling and Collaboration
When shame and self-blame continue to affect a survivor’s wellbeing, specialized sexual trauma counselling can provide a confidential space to explore these experiences, develop healthy coping strategies, rebuild trust, and reconnect with a sense of self.
At Beyond Crisis, we provide specialized online trauma-informed counselling for teen girls (14+) and women across Ontario, Canada healing from the impacts of sexual abuse and sexual assault.
We welcome opportunities to collaborate with professionals seeking specialized referral options for survivors.
To discuss referrals or connect with our team, please contact us at:
A Question for Reflection
When a survivor expresses shame, what might change if we respond not by asking them to stop feeling ashamed, but by helping them feel less alone in carrying it?
About the Author
Nada Johnson, BA, MSW, RSW
Founder, Clinical Director, Trauma Therapist
Beyond Crisis™ Professional Resource Series is a professional resource series developed by Nada Johnson, Founder and Clinical Director of Beyond Crisis, our online specialty clinic for sexual trauma counselling within our broader private practice at Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services. These series are for professionals supporting teen girls (14+) and women healing from the impacts of sexual abuse and sexual assault as well as couples and families impacted by sexual trauma. The focus is on exploring common questions, clinical considerations, and reflections related to sexual trauma recovery and specialized sexual trauma counselling.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and reflects a trauma-informed counselling perspective. It does not provide legal advice, clinical advice, clinical consultation, or guidance on legal strategy.
