Beyond Crisis™ : Why would she agree to an arrangement that doesn't feel safe?
- Jul 28
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 31
Family law lawyers who support women who have experienced sexual assault or childhood sexual abuse may sometimes notice something that seems confusing.
A client who previously expressed concerns about a parenting arrangement may later agree to increased communication, more parenting time, or other interactions that appear inconsistent with those concerns.
This naturally raises an important question:
Why would she agree to an arrangement that doesn't feel safe?
The answer is not always simple.
A trauma-informed approach recognizes that decisions made after sexual trauma can be influenced by many factors, including fear, emotional exhaustion, concerns about safety, financial pressures, and a desire to avoid conflict.
Understanding these influences does not determine whether a parenting arrangement is appropriate or replace legal analysis. Instead, it helps provide context for understanding the complex experiences survivors may bring into family court.
How Trauma Can Affect Decision-Making
Sexual trauma can affect how a woman experiences safety, trust, and control. When abuse occurs, especially within a relationship of trust or dependence, survivors may develop coping strategies that help them survive the situation.
These responses can continue even after the abuse has ended, even when they are no longer helpful.
For example, a survivor may:
Avoid conflict to prevent escalation.
Agree quickly to reduce stress or avoid disagreement.
Prioritize others’ needs over their own.
Question whether their feelings or concerns are valid.
Feel responsible for maintaining peace.
These behaviors are often survival responses rather than signs that a person feels safe, comfortable, or accepting of what happened.
Betrayal trauma theory also suggests that when harm occurs within an important relationship, persons may develop adaptive coping responses—such as dissociation, betrayal blindness, minimization, or memory disruptions—as they attempt to manage both the trauma and the need to maintain a necessary relationship with someone on whom they depend (Freyd, 1996; Freyd et al., 2007; Goldsmith et al., 2012).
Although these responses may help a person cope during or immediately after abuse, they can become harmful over time by contributing to psychological distress and difficulties with decision-making and relationships.
It is important to recognize that survival responses can continue long after the abuse has ended, even when the person is no longer in the same situation.
Agreement Does Not Always Mean Comfort
In family law, an agreement is often viewed as a clear expression of what someone wants.
However, after sexual trauma, agreeing to something does not always mean a survivor feels comfortable with the arrangement.
A survivor may be thinking:
I don't feel comfortable, but I don't know what else to do.
I don't want another argument.
I'm worried about what will happen if I say no.
I just want my children to be okay.
When children are involved, survivors may be balancing many competing concerns, including their children's well-being, financial realities, ongoing communication with the other parent, and fears about further conflict.
The Role of Fear and Coercive Dynamics
Some survivors continue to experience fear or pressure even after a relationship has ended.
Research on coercive control describes patterns of intimidation, manipulation, and control that can affect a person's ability to make decisions freely, even after separation (Stark, 2007).
This does not mean that every difficult co-parenting relationship involves coercive control. However, understanding these power dynamics may help professionals consider whether fear, pressure, or anticipated consequences are influencing a survivor's decisions.
Supporting Survivor Autonomy
A trauma-informed approach is not about making decisions for survivors.
It is about creating an environment where survivors can reconnect with their own voice and make informed decisions that reflect their values, needs, and goals.
Family law lawyers can support survivor autonomy by:
Exploring concerns without judgment.
Asking what the survivor wants and needs.
Explaining available legal options.
Discussing possible outcomes.
Recognizing that decision-making after trauma may be emotionally complex.
The goal is not to remove a survivor's independence. The goal is to support informed decision-making.
Why This Matters in Family Court
Family court decisions can have lasting effects on both survivors and their children.
When a survivor agrees to arrangements that appear inconsistent with earlier concerns, it may be helpful to consider the broader context by asking:
What fears or concerns may be influencing this decision?
Does the survivor believe they have meaningful choices?
Are they experiencing emotional pressure?
Do they feel safe expressing disagreement?
A trauma-informed approach encourages professionals to remain curious rather than making assumptions. Looking beyond the agreement itself can lead to a more complete understanding of a survivor's circumstances.
Supporting Survivors Beyond the Courtroom
At Beyond Crisis™, we provide specialized trauma-informed counselling for women and teen girls (14+) who have experienced childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault.
Counselling can help survivors understand trauma responses, rebuild self-trust, strengthen boundaries, and develop skills for navigating difficult relationships and life transitions.
Our role is not to provide legal advice, make parenting recommendations, or influence family court decisions. Instead, we provide emotional support that complements the work of family lawyers and other professionals.
We continue to welcome collaboration with Ontario-based legal professionals who support survivors of childhood sexual abuse and sexual assault. A multidisciplinary approach can help ensure survivors receive care that recognizes both their legal circumstances and their emotional experiences.
Professional referrals, collaboration opportunities, and new client inquiries are currently welcomed. To discuss referrals or connect with our team, please contact us at:
A Moment for Reflection
When a survivor agrees to a parenting arrangement that appears inconsistent with her concerns, what factors might need to be considered before interpreting that agreement as a reflection of true comfort or choice?
About the Author
Nada Johnson, BA, MSW, RSW
Founder, Clinical Director, Sexual Trauma Therapist
Beyond Crisis™ Professional Resource Series is a professional resource series developed by Nada Johnson, Founder and Clinical Director of our sexual trauma counselling specialty clinic within our broader private practice at Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services. These series are for professionals supporting teen girls (14+) and women healing from the impacts of sexual abuse and sexual assault as well as couples and families impacted by sexual trauma. The focus is on exploring common questions, clinical considerations, and reflections related to sexual trauma recovery and specialized sexual trauma counselling.
References
Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Harvard University Press.
Freyd, J. J., DePrince, A. P., & Gleaves, D. H. (2007). The state of betrayal trauma theory: Reply to McNally—Conceptual issues, and future directions. Memory, 15(3), 295–311.
Goldsmith, R. E., Freyd, J. J., & DePrince, A. P. (2012). Betrayal trauma: Associations with psychological and physical health symptoms. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 27(3), 547–567.
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and reflects a trauma-informed counselling perspective. It does not provide legal advice, clinical advice, clinical consultation, or guidance on legal strategy.
